Anxiety Arrival
Man, I didn’t ever used to experience anxiety (or maybe I just didn’t recognize it). I’ve developed it in the last few years…don’t like it. Nope.
Phillip arrived in Austin today. I haven’t seen him since March 1st. I was expecting no anxiety, since I do want to be broken up with him. However, I realize that it’s a lot easier to feel that way when I don’t have to look at him. He’ll be here till Monday morning (less than 5 days total). We’ve already discussed that we have our own agendas while he’s here, so we won’t be spending a bunch of time together. BUT, he is my friend…so we’ll see each other for part of it. I just don’t know how I’m going to feel when it’s actually happening.
I am trying to decide how to adjust. Do I take on this new role of friend? Is it worth it? He’ll be gone again in 5 days then it’s back to telephone cordialities. Of course I’ll be his friend…but a friend tells the other how they’re feeling. I’m still feeling hurt and angry because he left me alone over a year ago. But what good would it do to say this? I guess I would be looking for answers. How could he do that? How long ago had he decided we weren’t right for each other? Was I being strung along while I stuggled to be strong for him? These questions are coming from my hurt pride. I really know what’s important. We aren’t right for each other. We tried very very hard to be good to each other and to ourselves. That is what matters. The rest is petty and I would never be satisfied with the answer I got anyway.
Hey, thanks! Now, time to buck up and stay strong…this time for me.
Here I am “bucking up”
